Edwin and Sara have been living together for four years. They have been dating for half a year before Sara moved in. She decided to move to make the relationship works, it’s easier for her to move to Edwin’s place than the other way around.
Time goes by, they lived as a happy couple until last year. Edwin has to work in another country to work on his startup for three months and as expected, the problems arise before they know it. Every single thing they have been ignored all along came up to the surface.
Of course, Sara understands that the startup is very important for Edwin as much as it is important for her to see Edwin doing good in his career. At least for once, she wants to see him being successful. It is the first time for Sara to see Edwin wanting to achieve something -as Edwin could be anything, but an over-achiever.
All in all, three months felt like hell for her, it was a real struggle to gather the crumbs of her feelings toward Edwin. After hundreds of devastating fights, the color of her love finally washed out. The voice in the back of her head who says: “you are in for an endless pain if you continue this..” gets louder as she ignores it.
Nobody knows when this feeling-apocalypse has started. She has no clue, nor Edwin. Well, for Edwin, it’s more because she hides this from him, this sounds cliché, but she really wants him to focus on his startup. She thinks this is something that she needs to work on on her own. All Edwin needs to know is, she is waiting for him at home. For her, it was the right thing to do at that moment. Little did she know it was a bad decision to make.
Three months have passed, turned out, Edwin has to stay longer, this time… for another six months. She was exploded in silence as she maintained good communications with him. He visited twice during those six months, she appeared happy during those days when he was home. She replied “I miss you too” to Edwin’s affectionate texts, calls, video calls… she made everything looks normal, until he proposed to her, to which she replied, “let’s see in a year..” not “I do” nor “Yess!”
Two weeks after the proposal, she told him she wants to live in Nordic country, in other words, she wants to fly away from him and he noticed that. Then, two months after the proposal, they decided to talk it out. Edwin came back home, then she revealed everything.
Finally, after almost a year, she told him every single pain she had, which are a thousand stabs on his chest as he listened to her. She told him that she has failed to gather the feeling that has long gone. She thinks it’s time to let him go, so he can be with a better woman, who can treat him better, who can love him better than she did, someone who fits better for him. But of course, for him, at that moment, she was the only woman who’s perfect for him.
For her, she was saving them both from future misery. For him, she killed his hope and the future he has planned. That’s the end of the story.
Now, back to the title. Let’s do not do what Sara did to Edwin. Although she did right on some points, should we learn from what she did wrong and not do that to our (future) partner.
1. A couple should be able to talk about every-single-thing in any kind of situation.
Before you start a relationship with someone, you should make sure that you can reveal every single thing to him / her, you have to feel comfortable enough to talk openly to him / her, from petty-mundane stuff to the darkest secret, if you have any.
Once you feel comfortable enough to openly talk about everything, then you can consider him / her as a potential partner. Ignore those butterfly in your stomach for a moment, think of having something eating you up from the inside (just because you can not talk about everything with your partner) after years of dating, it feels a like hell, I tell you.
But then if you are in the same situation like Sara’s, you really should talk it out with your partner, as soon as possible, no matter how impossible the situation between you two. If the relationship meant to be broken, it will be broken no matter what.
Love and trust in a relationship are like oreo. Once it’s crumbling on the floor, it is not possible to assemble it, nor eat it.
By the time you are trying to mend it, you have wasted yours and their time to meet someone new, someone who fits better for you, or simply to be happy. You are not doing anyone a favor by living a life that is not making you happy, aren’t you?
2. Find at least 3 essential reasons why it’s better for you two to split up.
Long term relationship is like a marriage without legal stuff getting on your way when you want to split up. But even though it’s as easy as it might sound to you, make sure you can mention 3 essential reasons. The reason should be something you can no longer improve (like trying to feel the love that has long gone), something you can not fix (his or her characters), something you can not change (anything beyond your reach and beyond your capacity).
You know the saying: “if you can not fix it, let it go…”
3. It makes two parties to make mistakes in a relationship.
I am sorry to say that this is not a one-man show. “No matter how wronged you are, if you the two of you are arguing, you are part of what’s creating that argument. Even if she or he is acting crazy, your reaction to that is not helping. This argument, all arguments, are as much about you being in the wrong as about her being in the wrong. Until you accept that, you will never find a mutually satisfactory outcome.”
4. Remember how it feels like being single.
It is easier for introverts to think about being single. It will be so much liberating, you don’t have to think of another party and involve them (nor anyone) in a decision-making process. It feels like riding a car as fast as you want, without having anyone screaming on the passenger seat asking you to slow down or go faster. All those good stuff.
But if you think it’s the other way around, meaning you think you still want her / him in your life as long as they can, then there must be something you can actually improve. No?
5. Treat him / her the way you want to be treated.
Isn’t it a basic courtesy?
Well.. Not really after years of living together. Sometimes we forgot the right way to treat our partner. Do not do this, kids.
Give her / him some respect they deserve. Talk to them gently, cool-headed, calmly. Don’t yell at them, nor saying things that might hurt them even worse. Fulfill their wishes to be left alone, if they ask you to do so. It’s an adult relationship, end it like those grown-ups do.