I was a dummy on dating arena. Everytime I met a guy that I like, I would be completely stupid and clueless. Well, not that I am a pro now, but it turns out that getting old and met various types of men gave me some interesting perspectives you might want to know.
I haven’t change my view on relationship. I still think that relationship is not for everyone and not a goal. For me a goal is something that you can measure and control. Relationship involves someone else and many variables that aren’t predictable. So I would rather see relationship as an option.
If it happens, it would be great to have someone to share the food I cook and the wine I like (almost) every night. If not, I’d have something else to do and friends to share the joy with.
But for women who are longing for someone to share your life with, have short term memory capacity and tremendous amount or patience, this piece will give you a new point of view.
We have reached this age where most of us have shiny career, stable finance, all-in-all, we got a good grip on our life except in one department: dating.
We just simply don’t know how to do it. We keep on dating and go for the wrong prey we don’t want to eat in the end.
Head hunter offered us a good position in a great company. Yet, no desirable man asked us to be their wife.
Why those skills to create strategic plan in business and making tactical decisions can not be useful in dating arena? Because apart from everything, we don’t know what we are looking for in men. Boom.
We have the concept of an ideal person to partner up in life, but what we do is trying to impose that idea to the person we met, we cannot see the fact that it doesn’t work like that.
Somehow we failed to grasp the concept that dating is about being with someone who has the same goals and their antics can get along well with ours.
It’s simple but we are raised with those confusing fairytales, and our parents are often as clueless as we are. Also the stereotyping that say women are complicated, makes us even harder to understand ourselves, let alone knowing our strong points.
We are struggling to understand how to be a good woman for the man that we want and yet, those magazines and soap operas ‘taught’ us to be manipulative whore. So what should we do?
Know your prey.
Typically, men will go straightforward, speak their mind, being clear and simple. When men being ambiguous, they are just trying to avoid uncomfortable situation, in men’s language, it means they are not into you.
Now you know what to do when someone being ambiguous: get over it and say “next!”
What if he just don’t know how to express his feelings? Take no nonsense. If he wants you, he would do anything to get you, it will be obvious, you will know, then you can decide which man worthy of your time, effort and your loving touches.
Now let’s talk about the strategy and tactical steps to be with the man that you like.
Despite the term prey I use in this piece. I need to tell you this, women don’t get to hunt. Our role is more exclusive than that, we choose which man good enough to penetrate our eggs. Yes, this is so much alike that biology lesson we got in junior highschool.
It’s rooted deep inside our subconscious mind that naturally, we will choose the man who are healthy and their DNA match with ours so we could procreate. Just like that mature egg in our fallopian tube waiting for those million sperm swimming toward it then let one sperm cell to penetrate it -we wait for men to come to us then choose one man to be our partner.
But waiting is boring, yes. Why can’t we go after the man that we like?
Well.. you could do that, but it means you are in for heartbreaks. Just like when you aim for the wrong target market for your products, no matter how much you spent on advertisement, you will end up wasting your resources and your time.
We all know confidence is not our problem in business. We know our products are the best. Now keep in mind that in this dating game, your product is yourself. Make sure you understand your feature and posses all those desirable criteria as an ideal partner. As you wait for that right person to come, be the right person by make room for self improvement.
Of course, along the way, or during the selection process, we will get involve with men who don’t have the same relationship goals as ours. Let them go. Think of the time we are wasting as we could have been with the person who fits better our criteria.
Please never try to change someone, it’s a waste of time and causing damage to both parties involved. They are what they are until they decide to change on their will.
Women’s nature is like the egg in our ovary, we tend to close ourselves from another man as we get involved with someone. That’s the key, manage to not get involved too deep. I know it’s hard, especially when you like the man.
In this age where hooking up is a culture, meeting a man who sees us more than a warm body to have sex with is like seeing a wooden board in the ocean as we get tired of swimming to the shore. So most of men will be the ocean that will let us drowning in their bullshit.
That piece of wooden board isn’t a myth. These men exist. Sometimes they aren’t just a piece of wooden board, they could be a sailing boat. And you wouldn’t know what they are if you don’t give them a chance to put everything on the table and see their contribution to your end goal.
Most men would prefer this way, and you are free to say what do you want from a relationship. If the expectations don’t match, you both could easily move on as you haven’t emotionally invested yet (you better not). Yes, just like managing your finance, don’t invest on the product you are not sure that it really is profitable or else you will suffer a big loss. Both in finance and emotional investment, nobody enjoy being broke.
As you are clear from the beginning, most (of decent) men who aren’t interested in you won’t lead you to nothingness. They would tell you what they want, it would be your choice to continue giving him what he wants and not yours and vice versa. Honest chemistry is not something you can force anyways, and yes, at this stage you can let yourself to go with the flow to see how it goes.
Know the volatility of your investment.
Now let’s say the chemistry is there, perfect and glittery like confetti. You both get along very well. You like each other’s company. But don’t ignore the redflags just yet.
Don’t be afraid to ask about their previous relationship, their family, how they raised. Asses more information about him, from himself, in person. See the balance in the conversation, notice his reaction, his expression and whether he is interested to get to know you better through his questions. It tells a lot.
Don’t wonder, never asume, stick to the facts you have collected from the first hand, himself. After you get to know his environment, his social circles, then you could see whether he was being honest or not. To this point, don’t invest more than you could afford to lose.
A friend told me you have to risk yourself for love. I agree. No investment, no profit. And risk management is an important skill to master.
In the end, love is not a mystery. It is the mastery of all the skills we possess.